My son, going on 2 years old, has continued to amass a large booty of toys in his relatively short life so far. Recently, his vocabulary has been growing even faster than his collection of playthings; some of which is helped by teaching him the names of some of his toys. However, one of his stuff animals (herein known as Buttercrunch) recently caused a debate between my wife and I.

May I first present Exhibit A:

Cute? Sure, we both agreed to that. The issue that caused our disagreement may be best described in an email I sent to Russ Berrie and Company Inc., the manufacturer of Buttercrunch:

Hi,
My wife and I were recently in debate over the species of the plush toy at hand. “Buttercrunch” is one of our son’s most beloved toys, but we have differing opinions as to what Buttercrunch really is. My wife insists that it is a giraffe, but from my experience and knowledge of wildlife, I am quite sure that one of the defining features of the giraffe is its extra long neck, which Buttercrunch lacks. Therefore, due to the normal-sized neck of the plush toy, along with its name–“Buttercrunch” (butter->reference to dairy products coming from bovine-like animals)–I am under the strong impression that Buttercrunch is a cow. This has become an object of much debate, and I would very much appreciate clarification from the creators of Buttercrunch. If it is truly a cow, I believe that my wife will only believe it if she is convinced by your company. If Buttercrunch is a giraffe, I would very much like to know why its neck is so short…could it be a defective product? If Buttercrunch is neither a giraffe or cow, I would also appreciate further description as to what it truly is. Thank you so much for your help.

Fairly impressed with my own interrogation skills, I anxiously anticipated a witty response from a Russ representative. Not a day later, I received this reply:

The item you are inquiring about is a giraffe. A longer neck could pose a choking hazard.

Period. No “thanks for inquiring”, “you and your wife need counseling”, not even a “Sincerely, So-and-so”. Even more, that has got to be the most ridiculous excuse for a short-necked giraffe. I tried with all the brainpower I could muster to figure out how a child could manage to choke on a long-necked Buttercrunch.

Needless to say, I still refer to Buttercrunch as a cow.